That's not what I wanted.

As Christians around the world enter the season of focused remembrance of Christ's life, death, and resurrection, I can't help but think about how shamefully often my own desires come above pretty much anything else in my life.

Need examples? 

I wanted to join my favorite campus family on a trip to the lake next weekend, but yesterday I was told that I have mandatory meetings next week Friday and Saturday. Oh. 

I wanted to stagger when I start novels with each class, so I'm not behind on my reading. But today I had to push off lesson plans because I couldn't finish the reading in time to teach the next chapter. Oh. 

I wanted to have an easier week this week, because my brain is getting a little fried. My to do list is a little extra long because of writing pieces I have to complete other than my lesson prep material. Oh. 

I wanted to be the best teacher ever, but sometimes I become angry and impatient and demonstrative of a terrible, un-godly attitude. Oh. 

I don't get what I want, and sometimes it makes me even more frustrated. 

But maybe I have to give up what I want. I ask myself, "Don't I want God's glory more? Don't I want to become less self-focused? Don't I want others to see Christ Jesus instead of me? Don't I want to walk worthy of the vocation wherewith I have been called {eph. 4.1}?" If I answer yes, I depend on mercy to forgive my automatic selfishness and spiritual revival to put what I wanted aside, and instead be in tune to God's will.

So at the times when what I want seems so much more important that what I receive, I have to remind myself to count up the blessings that surround me. The lavender candle that reminds me of home, the Target mug full of chai tea, the note from a friend, the cool after-rain breeze coming in the window--these all team together to remind me of daily grace.

Speaking of grace, holding sweet, darling, chubby baby Grace was the greatest blessing I received today. She's beautiful, friends. Beautiful.